


When it's so hard to say Love

by ry_996



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Developing Relationship, Eventual Romance, Future Fic, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2020-12-09 14:35:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20996417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ry_996/pseuds/ry_996
Summary: "Its been years since they have eyes on each other. Now that they know about it for sure.. Maybe, they can work it out?"Short stories compilation following Saegusa Ibara and Sazanami Jun's relationship 3 years after the end of Enstars! Story.





	1. Kite

"I thought Sazanami-san like girls. Or at least both ways?" Ibara shook the bottle before he poured it to the small glasses in front of Jun..

"Thanks" Jun sips a little, looking at Ibara with surprised face then giving an approval on how good the drink is. "isn't that just you who never interested with my preference Saegusa-san?" Going along with Ibara's usual role play even in simple conversation is already a habit he can't deny to enjoy. It's easier to not speak as myself. Despite that painful reason behind it. Jun tried to understand. He wants to make Ibara comfortable, be honest to him even with mask on. 

  


Ibara rest his arm on the table, watching the other closely, "if i get too close, I would be trapped in your eyes. Lost forever in dreamland i know i will never be worth enough to step in" he smiled, holding up his glass then take a sip.

"Huh.. how do i supposed to interpret it Saegusa-san?" Jun asked, he is used to Ibara's teasing, just this time it wasn't followed by a laugh nor gesture to tease him more. Ibara just smile at him as if those words are meant to be as it is.

"You can take it as whatever you want it to be. But well if i need to be honest.." Ibara put his glass on the table, standing close to Jun, leaning in. 

Jun don't resist him, letting Ibara to get closer. Curious of what he meant. Though he can't deny that his heart beat is getting faster the closer Ibara lean in. No matter how many times he tries to get used to this side of him? His heart can't lie.. 

Ibara leans in, his lips is close to Jun's as he whispers "I've been only into you Since my eyes landed on yours for the first time" 

His voice sounds clear as ever, its sweet, tickling to his ear and Jun wonders if he always been this sweet or its just because Ibara whispered to him this close "if this isn't another script of yours… 4 years, isn't that too long?"

  
  


Pulling himself to sits back on the chair, Ibara laughed "5 years actually. Our first meeting wasn't in reimei" he stirred his drink nervously. Well he never say it to anyone before. His honesty always out like a lie so he simply always keep it himself.

Jun frowned. He barely remember anything pre-reimei because it's mostly filled with nothing but misery-- now Ibara said they already ever meet before that? "Thinking to trick me again huh I'm not in the mood to be fooled" he sighs, he knows Ibara isn't lying though. That nervous attitude is everything to support his honesty.

"its truth. Well it's fine if you don't want to believe it. It doesn't matter that much anyway", ' trusting me is ..' he smiled sadly, keeping the later for himself. He doesn't quite enjoy debating simple things as he aware on what he labeled himself as. 

Too bad, Jun catches that--yet he choose to not poke in. "Then i guess.. im losing? Because I started interested to you when you playing kite over my feelings"

Ibara was so ready to come up with _This isn't meant to be competition Sazanami-san_ . But the metaphor following Jun's respond cracks him up "pardon my rudeness. I don't mean to play pull and release to your feelings. Though I must admit, the young me enjoy it.. teasing you. Testing the water in case it's safe for me to dive in. But.." that laughs in between stopped,

He feels that loneliness streams in. That wall between them. It's still holding him from saying things further. There are too many worries inside.. too many that he could handle. Especially because now he has _Him_.

  
  


Avoiding Jun's gazes he just stare blankly at the glass "nevermind, it's just reasons to make me feel right...you don't have to hear it--oh well! anyway!--"

"I'm still interested at you until now Ibara" Jun catch that hand when Ibara about to leave his chair. There are so many things that stopped him from stepping in all these time. He knows, he knows it well who Saegusa Ibara is. He knows his ambition. He knows.. his fears and worries. But after this one chance, Jun don't want to just let it go. Not when Ibara willing to be honest like this.

Ibara stared at his eyes when Jun come closer to him, Jun's eyes are looking for an approval, in which Ibara just don't resist on what he is doing. 

His lips sealed tight, not wanting to say anything to ruin the moment. Until Jun erase the distance between them, pulling him even closer to the deeper touch. 

It was a cold night. It might be a mistake but they both sure they want to try it out. No matter how much variables always showing negative results on their trial, that night they just dismiss it all, understanding that the feeling is mutual. Exploring the path they were always scared to take. 

That fear of hurting the other for their egoism? It just disappear. 

Be it just one night. They're fine with it. Even if tomorrow they need to go to separate ways again. Back to the title they have always been. They know that the other do want to cherish this time too. That it's not just one of them. This feeling is mutual.


	2. Broke up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guilt and burden filling them on top of their Mistakes. But this happiness is too addicting to be stopped.

They thought that they are fine with it for once. That its supposed to be just a one time thing. But the happiness that night was addicting. Both of them cant resist any offer the other would make to re do that night again, exploring in an even better way. No matter how they are both aware of how wrong they are. Every meeting always feels like an amazing ride. Its magical. 

"You have been avoiding me lately.. even at work.. I mean if you don't want it it's fine you know I won't force you but don't avoid me?" 

Jun is trying to talk to Ibara in Cospro hallway, right before Ibara entered his room. He blocked his way to enter it. There is no response from Ibara. The younger just stand in front of him, eyes on the floor. His hair is in mess and its covering his face..

"Ibara..?" Jun try to call him.

Yet he still did not respond.. 

Jun's hand is reaching him to see his face. In which Ibara just let Jun to hold his face, making him look at Jun in eye--of course Ibara still try to avoid it. But Jun can see it now. His skin feel a bit warm, and his face is red. There are hints of tears on his eyes

"Dont ask.. im okay. I'm going to your place tonight" Ibara puts Jun's hand off weakly "now, I have a meeting in a couple minutes, if you don't mind? I need to get my material"

Jun moved aside, he is surprised because Ibara's conditions. It's hard to not worry about it. So instead of going home wait like how Ibara told him, he waits in rest area near the meeting room. 

.

  


"Did you checked your ear when you went to medical check up last week?" 

Jun locked his phone and put it back in his pocket when he heard that voice. Rolled the chair to face where that voice coming from. "Apparently certain producer of mine just rescheduling my work to another week so here I am wondering if I should give that producer a ride home?" He stands up and walks towards Ibara.

Jun put his hand on top of Ibara's head "since I don't want him to drive when he is sick like this"

Ibara sighed "I'm not a kid. Don't treat me like one. Besides you're usually come to office with motorbike anyway. The night wind is bad for me so i should refuse the ride" he left the area, expecting Jun to follow, which he did.

"Well I'm offering to be your driver sir" Jun plays along, offering his hand there waiting to get the car keys as he catching up to Ibara's walking speed.

Ibara laughed, giving his car key to Jun. It's always funny when Jun is the one who starting their _ play _ because he will immediately taking the servant mode--not like Ibara don't do the same.

.

It's a lie if Ibara said he has never been in any special relationship. He did in fact be in one, multiple times. But never because he find comfort in them or because he feel like he wants to spend the rest of his life with them. It was all merely business-related one. 

Until yuzuru.

When his first love suddenly came to him and offering him to try and see if they could work, Ibara just accepted it. Thinking that it's what he wants.. but he later understand that it's all just his obsession to overcome him. He dont love yuzuru, that feeling has died long ago. Being with him always question Ibara about his capability on loving someone. Though yuzuru always accept him Ibara cant stop feeling guilty. To whom..? He doesn't even know. 

But that relationship already ended, just recently. Ibara don't want to continue feeling guilty for what he does with Jun. because for the first time in his life, he felt that happy just to be with Jun by his side. 

He purposely avoid him, just to calm himself after everything with yuzuru. He finds himself unable to focus, he finds himself needing for that attention, he wants to hear his voice, he wanted to see him. Just that is enough. If anything Ibara is really glad that Jun show up today, he at least managed to survive the meeting without trouble.

Because now he knows that being with Jun like this. Just staring at him driving from where he sits, Ibara can feel like the burden and guilt just left him. Jun patted his head and told him that he can sleep if he feel sleepy, assuring him to not worry too much. Ibara finds himself relaxed in his seat, everything about Jun is just comforting. He is like home… home he always worry to step in.

.

"I don't want to do _ that _ tonight" Ibara said out of nowhere. He is sitting on the sofa, eyes tiredly focused on the tablet on his hand. Jun already kindly slammed a _ bye bye fever _ on ibara's forehead when they arrived as he left to get medicine, drink and food.

Jun come back with two mugs of hot chocolate. Putting it on a table with some s'mores by its side. "Figure out… and its not like we need to have sex every single time we do sleep over. Im not here just for having sex with you if its isnt clear enough Mr. Oblivious" he sighs, he is pretty used to Ibara's mindset that he doesn't bother to take it as offence anymore. Still, he willing to repeat what he feels until Ibara understand. "Not even lover do that Ibara. Here your med" he feeds the red hair since Ibara don't take off his eyes off the tablet til now. 

"Thanks" Ibara sips the water going back to see his tablet. 

Jun put the water on table then sits comfortably next to him. It's been months since they started doing this. Perhaps this moment is what he enjoys the most, watching him. Doing their things but still feeling the other's presence around. Its.. simply nice. Though-when he think about it again, maybe not the most? maybe what he enjoys the most is when he wakes up to Ibara's sleeping face. 

  
  


Years of befriending him tells Jun many things about him. About all his trouble, how Ibara are rarely able to sleep properly because of the numerous problems he is having in him. if anything, all Jun wants is as simple as watching him rest comfortably, eat properly.. just be happy. 

And he was glad that he can see it when Ibara is by his side. 

Jun knows about yuzuru, even before they start doing this. People would wonder though, why would someone like Jun want to do this. There are a lot of people out there want him to be their one and only. Yet he is here. Being with someone _ taken. _

What he understands now is just his crush on Ibara has been haunting him since 4 years ago. The way Ibara approach him was unusual. While he hates those fakery he can't help but understand the reasoning behind it. Wanting to relate on it. He might can only watch him from his side, most of the time from his back. Perhaps people will find it funny. But to meet someone who seems far different than him yet acting like they are equal without hints of mockery.. there is something about that which tied Jun's heart in.

His passionate ambition, his bravery. And how he kept avoiding any kind of affection. Jun find himself want to keep watching him. Protecting him instead of just being protected by him. 

Though he is aware that he might cant be as perfect as Nagisa.. or as capable as Yuzuru, which always prevented him from stepping forward and be honest about his feelings to Ibara. He is also aware that Ibara treat feelings as an obstacle to move forward. And he doesn't want to give him a burden just because he want Ibara to know, he would usually just keep his feelings for himself.. 

But that night he cant stop himself upon one and only chance. 

Being The second, third, or anything.. just for now.. he doesn't really bother about it. Jun want to feel how it is to be by his side. To be allowed to give him little affection. And see.. if his _ love _ is more than just curiosity. 

"I broke up with yuzuru" 

Jun immediately waking up from his daydream. Did he hear it wrong? "Why--?did something happen? Did he find out about us?"

"I told him about you--us, since the beginning though" Ibara look at Jun, as if telling him he wasn't lying "we broke up because of other things. It should have been done since long. He knows that my feelings no longer same with him and i just don't know how to break up without hurting him so he did the job. Im just a dumb coward" Ibara sighed. He put the tablet aside, get on Jun's lap so he can push Jun down to the sofa, before he lays on top of him "sorry about avoiding you.. I need to calm myself"

Jun surprised, though he manage to move so they both can get comfortable there. Hands on Ibara's head "well now you're giving me hope..?"

"I guess...one which I consciously allow to" Ibara mumbles, hugging Jun as he rested his head on Jun's chest "im crushing your rib this way but I don't want to get up"

Jun laughed "well… you're crushing my heart everyday. I don't mind that much"

Ibara glared at him "value yourself more dumbass"

"That's my line shit head" Jun pinched Ibara's cheek softly "just sleep. I will bring you to my room when I feel like I want to"

"Do what you want" Ibara closed his eyes. He is too tired even if he actually want to finish that warm chocolate Jun prepared.. _ and s'mores, must be so good _...more than sleep. His body just decide something else "I want the chocolate for breakfast"

Jun cracks up "yes yes what else my lord?"

Ibara stares at Jun's eyes. There are so many things he wants to say. He want to be thankful about him. He wants to show more of his affection, yet. Tongue tied, he is too afraid end up saying things that will only become pain one day. All he knows is just he want to do this right.. he wants to be with him. 

"Good night..Jun"

"Night Ibara"

The way they exchange their words upon their feelings might not sound poetic nor romantic, but they both know that they want to try this.

That's supposed to be enough. For now.

  



	3. We, not just you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ibara is a genius. But also really stupid.

_ Is it really love?  _ That's what Ibara keep thinking these days. Things have been going too smoothly on them. While Jun doesn't seem to bother too much about what their relationship is called. Ibara in other hand is dying to be sure about himself… and it's actually getting into madness.

Guess, that's the image of disappointed yuzuru, that painful forced smile of  _ its okay i understand _ . That image has yet to leave him till now. Not just because he feels guilty for not being able to answer his love but also because he doesn't want it to happen again. He doesn't want Jun to end .. like that. 

Ibara sure about his feeling on how much he want Jun. How much he desires to be with him. To make him happy. To protect him.. and to live with him. Just he is worried that his feelings might change. That he misinterpreted everything. That it's merely delusions of his need. all those worries are based on something as simple as how badly he wants to make this work. 

Ibara went out, he asked people, everyone close to him who at least can. They're all have the same answer, that yes.. he most likely really love him that much that he worry too much about a lot of things. But still Ibara who trust no one, not even himself, stressed about it. He end up asking more, repeatedly. Even google. Which, leave Ibara here staring at his tablet. Separated by multi window he scroll down as he write the points from that article. 

**11 sign that you're in love according to science**

_ First, You can't stop staring at them _

Technically, as his producer--its already a need for him to actually staring at Jun everyday right. Of Course he do that--but right. He did that not just when they're in lesson, or meeting, or reviewing him. 

Ibara tilted his head, blinking as he thinks. 

His gaze always end up on him no matter what condition it is. Like now. Even just his back. The image of Jun waiting there on line to grab some drinks for them.  _ What a perfect boyfriend like pose-- _ . 

Wait. Before he can give a check mark on the first point. He ended up catching Jun talking to the cashier staff, smiling, giggling..

_ 'Who the fuck is that cashier think theyre? why they blushing just because they talk to Jun' _ Ibara stand up from his seat and walked to stand by Jun. Annoyed. 

"Didnt you said you want to nap a bit?" Jun asked, surprised when he see Ibara suddenly standing by his side.

Ibara glared at him "im craving for pudding. Get 3 for--- Wait no" he pushed Jun gently aside so that he is the one in front of the cashier staff. He later give his order and pay right away before he pulled Jun away from there. Moving to the area where they are taking the order. 

Jun blinks confusedly but he followed Ibara right away "what is it ...you're acting really stra--" Jun stopped himself then start laughing "ah is this the rare species of jealous Ibara?" He asked, clapping his hand happily. 

The glare getting scarier so Jun stopped laughing. "Alright alright im sorry?" He smiled, leaning to the empty table, he pulled Ibara close. Holding his hand. Hiding that view from anywhere. 

Too bad though Ibara just let go of that hand because their order is somehow pretty much finished "Nevermind im just being silly" he takes their order and bring it to their table. 

_ 'There he goes again _ ' Jun shakes his head and follow Ibara to their table "didn't doctor said that you shouldn't drink any caffeine for now?" He asked once seated. 

Ibara was about to take the tablet again but he grabbed his drink instead. "I need this for life" 

"Even if you put a lot of sugar and milk in…" Jun giggles. "Maybe fix your life style then you probably don't need it that much?" 

Ibara shakes his head. "Jun cant understand the pain of being trapped between some dumb adults"

"Aren't you also adult…?"

"Well…" that makes Ibara show the natural no expression face "anyway!"--and suddenly changed to excited one "What is this movie we are watching? You dragged me out of the office just because you see I don't have schedule today but say nothing after that"

Bright grins show up on Jun's face as he leaned in. Resting his chin on his palm, watching Ibara closely "right, you already know we are going to watch movies even before i told you.. okay Mr. Sherlock Saegusa. Case breakdown. How do you even know I'm going to bring you to the movie theater?" 

"Ehhh youre speaking to Moriarty, Sherlock-san. Oh wait maybe i'm closer to irene?" He sounds enthusiast. He isn't much a bookworm like Jun, but he does enjoy read interesting stories and it always fun.. to hear Jun talk about the books he read. Ibara grinned. Following Jun to do the same, making them staring at each other's eyes. 

Irene perhaps not a long reach, Ibara is beautiful. He has a pretty face, especially with that long hair of his,. Jun have to control his jealousy everytime someone try to flirt on Ibara--especially because the person himself enjoy teasing people back.

Took them a long moment of admiring the sight in front of them before they finally break down that staring competition as their brain begins to think about too many sweet--perhaps _ indecent _ things about the other. 

"Well because Mr. Irene Saegusa apparently can't stop staring at me then i will just answer it. The title is  **11 sign that you're in love according to science** " Jun smirked. Of Course he see that tablet when Ibara stand next to him 

Ibara-panicked, looking at his tablet then look at Jun again "you!"

The blue haired one cracks up on his seat, enjoying that sight. An embarrassed Ibara is really one that he really loves hm? 

Right..

Unlike Ibara, Jun already sure about his feeling since long. Even when Ibara with someone, he is aware that his feeling is simply real that its not easily shaken just because of that status. 

"Just kidding. We are watching  _ sci fi _ movie. That one from young adult novel you borrowed from me last year. Which you haven't returned yet" 

Ibara really want to drop his face to table. Can Jun stop teasing him already?-not that he hates to see that happy face of him, that crunchy laugh--especially when his eye smile show up in between "hai hai. Sorry for being so slow on reading that the live action happen faster than me finishing the book"

"Don't mind the book, I'm not gonna ask about that article but.." he paused to smile at him "like i said you don't have to force yourself on me if turn out we can't  _ work _ . Even if we can't work. We can still be friends--"

Jun's words get caught by Ibara who suddenly leans even closer to bit Jun's lower lip. Kissing him softly right when the announcement to enter the cinema filling the area. 

"We will work out. I will make it work out. I just want to be sure…" he pulled himself. 

Jun catch Ibara's hand, " **we will make it work out** " he said seriously then smiled again, standing up as he hold both their drinks with one hand "lets go, the cinema already open" he pulled Ibara gently, wait for him to follow up.

Ibara sighed--feeling dumb himself. He stands up, putting his tablet in his bag the hold the box of pudding. Not letting go of Jun's hand that holding his. 

Right .. this is a  **we** , this is a two way relationship where both want it to work. Sincerely. Its true that there are so many other things that they need to think about before they step in deeper. Just, surely it's not because of their feelings because they aware that its love. 

.

Jun patted ibara's head gently. The younger is currently asleep in the middle of the movie they're watching. Probably because he pulled an all-nighter for the meeting this morning. Watching him like this make Jun can't help but remembering that sigh and upset face of him after Jun told him that they would make this work together. 

Ibara is a genius, he knows it. He is still young yet there are so many people depend their life on serving him. There are so many things going on in his life that love.. relationship.. probably not something important enough for him to think now. Yet, ibara prove him wrong with all this attitude of him. Going along to what jun asked, doing research.. even for himself. All this effort…. All this effort alone already make jun really happy because it makes jun understand how badly ibara want it too.. 

He just wish that ibara won't end up hurting himself again by trying too much. 

_ 'How could you be so genius yet so dumb about this ibara… just take your time. I will always be here' _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy junibara no hi!! Im late for couple hours but well huhu too many things to do today.. i only get to write this after i arrived home. ;;; i hope this is good enough


	4. Living together 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ibara suddenly proposed something important

"i think its real" 

Jun looked up from his book.

they're currently eating outside-- _ its actually closer to them just spending time together for hours doing their thing from morning to evening in park close to the dorm _ \--when ibara suddenly speak and stop typing in his laptop, which he already been doing for at least 2 hours after their lunch.

"I don't follow.." Jun put a bookmark inside his book, trying to set his attention back to ibara "what do you mean?"

ibara averted his gaze. from jun's eyes, it seems like he is quite troubled by what he is about to breakdown. 

Jun sighed. After a couple minutes ibara was still staring at him like an idiot. he didn't exaggerate it, ibara really did stare at him with mouth open and widened eyes.

he was about to go back to his book in case ibara just teasing him like usual but the younger finally responded "i think.." he paused again. "i want to try living together with you"

".... we did...didn't we?" Jun was stunned for a second. thinking that ibara will finally say the word after like 4 months of them together. 

well it wasn't but its still as shocking. though-- isn't that how they have been doing? Sometimes Jun stayed in ibara's apartment, sometimes ibara was the one who stayed in his apartment. depended on the time and activities they have or will have for the next day.

ibara sighed "not like that. like you know really one roof everyday in one place" he tries to relax a bit to the chair. trying to read Jun's expression. 

Jun seems confused but he is actually just lost in thought the moment ibara mentions  _ one roof, everyday, one place _ . Jun can't help but think about having to start a life with him seriously..  **more seriously** because they are both serious about this relationship already..

"it's just wish though we don't have to do it right away"--ibara followed up before jun reacted because he thought that jun is against it--_clearly_ _that's not what jun means_.

Jun on the other hand though feels a little bit weird because ibara suddenly takes back the word and it makes him wonder if ibara himself isn't really sure yet. 

_ did he happen to caught up with yet another dumb article? _ \--jun wonders but he doesn't want to push this idea now "i don't hate it though. that idea. I mean. having to be with you more is definitely something i really want to do"

the younger smiled on thay answer "well then if you agree we can talk about it later?" he asked. closing the laptop and outing it back to his bag 

Jun looked up to ibara who already stood up from his seat "where are you going?"

"emergency meeting" ibara get close to him and kissed his lips quickly "i will be late it seems so just sleep early if you have to"

Jun stands up too with his book in his hand and grabs his bag fast "i will drive you there" he said and lead the way. They come here together right if it's an emergency it will be better if you go with him..

ibara shakes his head "no you will wait for me till i get out. go get some rest"

Jun laughed at that reaction. that's right. jun never end up sleeping in his car for hours because he thought to surprise ibara but the meeting end up longer than expected and he stayed in office until past 1am "i promise i will go home today"

  
  


"pinky promise" jun added because ibara was glaring at him.

ibara sighed "alright, it's on the main island. close to the old cospro building"

"aye aye sir!!!" jun yells as he copying ibara's catchphrase

"don't copy me dumbass!!"


End file.
